ph. Marcello Arena


Umasan SS ‘15


us 2014

Minor realizations.

  1. I love you as much as I hate you. I don’t know if I love you in the “I care about you” way or in the friend way or in the “more than friends” way. I don’t know. All I know is that I love you.
  2. I’m not sure if I like you anymore. It comes and goes. Tonight is actually the first time I’ve missed you in a while but it’s still not enough for me to want to see you. I told myself I’ll see you when I miss you and while I feel obligated to visit you because I’m overdue for a visit, I don’t miss you and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. Back to the point, I’m not sure how I feel. I don’t want anyone to have you, especially Kelly, but I don’t want you. At least right now I don’t want you but I would like the option to have you.
  3. I have some faith in us again. These past five months haven’t been easy, but through all the tears shed, fights had, and hurt exchanged, I’m glad to say that we’re both still in this. I realize how far we’ve come since that day, how much we’ve improved from that month of silence. I know you said things will never be the same— you’re right— but I stand by my statement of how I want us to be better and I finally believe that we can again. We may not be where I want us to be, but we’re not where I hate anymore. You once said that you’d never give up on us. I only hope that you still mean that.

I listen to your shit about him all time, okay? I listen. I give you advice and my opinion on it all when you ask for it. I’m there for you when you’re crying over him and when you’re angry about him. I don’t complain or tell you I’m tired of hearing the same old shit because I get it. You want to talk about him and your feelings about him and everything that’s going on. You want to talk about it and I’m there to listen because I’m your friend and I get it. But you need to give me the same courtesy.

I want to talk about my feelings and everything that’s going on with us too. I want to share these things and listen to your opinion and hear your advice because I need guidance about this. I need to be comforted and know that you’re there for me as well, just like you do. I get it; it’s the same old shit all the time and you’re tired of hearing it. It’s annoying to listen to and frankly I get annoyed at myself for talking about it sometimes, but I need you to be my friend and listen and be there even if you’re annoyed.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m not going to confront you about it and tell you how I feel. The way I see it: I’m hurt and since I’m hurt, I’m not going to tell you things anymore. What’s the point if I end up getting hurt and you don’t care to begin with?